My dog Phoenix got her ass beat today, but not by me.

  Phoenix is a very social dog. She loves other dogs but happens to hate people. She has doggie friends around the trailer park- excuse me, “mobile home community.” She has about four friends in the trailer park. Three out of her four friends are males, so apparently she’s a little flirt. But I don’t think she means to be. She’s been spaded so I stopped those hormones before they could really affect her. So that makes her a tease.

  Anyway, my tease dog also happens to be pretty wimpy. She’s pretty light, not muscular and jumps for about everything. Her only female dog friend (is it appropriate to say bitch friend? Not yet) is named Abby.

  Abby is taller, stronger and apparently more hormonal than Phoenix. They’ve been friends since Phoenix was bigger than her- let’s say about a year. So that’s seven years in dog years.  Abby hasn’t been around the trailer park much. She’s only there when her owner visits her stepdad, who she used to live with before she moved in with her boyfriend. Anyhoo, Abby just started galloping into my yard to visit Phoenix for about three days.

  Abby was a very gawky puppy, when her and Phoenix used to play. So Phoenix is used to running circles around her… Not so much anymore. Abby can now keep up with Phoenix. She can also pin her down, run over her and drag her around the yard by her harness collar. It’s pretty funny.

  Today Abby came over to tackle Phoenix and they had a go at it around the yard. Phoenix is getting better at defending against and out-running Abby, but Abby is still way stronger than she is. Abby also tried to steal Phoenix’s ball again… I don’t think she’s a good influence.

  After a while, Abby got bored and trotted off. Phoenix stayed around me on the porch. Then Phoenix decided to visit her buddy, Scrabby (I huge male boxer across the street. He’s her homeboy).

  While Phoenix was prancing to visit Scrabby, Abby came out of nowhere and side-swipes her before she could get to Scrabby. They start wrestling, this time for real. They’re growling loud and rolling on the grass. Then Abby pinned Phoenix down and Phoenix started crying out, and I started yelling at the bitch-backstabbing friend (now’s the right time to call her a bitch).

  After a few seconds, the fight is over, and Phoenix started walking back to the porch with her ears, tail and head down. At first we were teasing like, “Woah Phoenix, you just got your ass whipped!” But after a few minutes, I noticed how Phoenix was acting.

  The poor thing looked confused.  She just sat in the grass and starred into space. That had never happened to her before. Abby did the whole female dominance act on her, which she’d never experienced since all her other friends are males. Abby completely turned on her over a boy.

  Abby tried to come back in the yard and they just looked at each other and walked around. It was obvious that their relationship was changed by the fight.

  It made me think about when I have a little girl (you know like 20 years from now) and she starts getting in fights with her girlfriends over boys- probably around the middle school age. I thought about what I would say, because I felt like I needed to have a heart-to-heart with Phoenix. It would probably go something like this…

Phoenix: “All of a sudden she just turned on me. Like our friendship meant nothing compared to Scrabby. She told me they had been going steady and I wasn’t allowed to talk to him. She called me names, Mom. She said we weren’t friends anymore.”

Me: “Phoenix, girls sometimes feel that they must go above and beyond for boys, no matter who they hurt.”

P: “But why?”

M: “Well my girl, Abby is threatened by your friendship with Scrabby. His attention means more to her right now. She’s boy-crazy and thinks she needs his acceptance. She’s taking you for granted.”

P: “What am I supposed to do? Should I apologize?”

M: “No! This was not your fault. Your friend is just blinded by her crush on Scrabby. It’s not right, I know. And you may lose her friendship for a while. But just know that true friends don’t turn on each other over a boy. Or over anyone. True friends defend you and play with you without stealing your ball. I don’t think she’s been a good friend to you in the past has she?”

P: “No, I told her how it hurt when she would tug on my harness and she just laughed.”

M: “So she didn’t care about you or how you felt about your harness. Now she doesn’t care about how you feel about Scrabby. I know you guys are just friends, but she doesn’t see that.”

P: “Well what should I do? She’s my only girlfriend.”

M: “Friends will come and go, Phoenix. You’re gonna meet a lot of female dogs in your lifetime, but only time will tell if they’re real bitches. For now, let Scrabby and her have their fun, but let Abby know that she hurt you and you won’t let her use you for your ball anymore.”

P: “Yea, I guess your right.”

M: “You’re better off without her. Trust me, you’re way cooler than Abby. Scrabby will figure out how much of a bitch she is in his own time. You just figured it out first. But don’t worry; he will too.”

P: “Thanks Mom, I love you.”

M: “I love you too, Phoenix.”

Man… I have way more imagination than I care to admit. Either that or I need a life… I think it’s a little of both.