I just found a hole in my underwear. I know- that’s like the strangest thing to be writing about at 2 in the morning, but I figure it’s best to write this down instead of just analyzing it while brushing my teeth, like I was about to do before thinking about typing it instead. So my day-long breathed self am going to discuss underwear.

    I apparently need to get more underwear. Or I can just throw these away, which I still have on, and just be one less a pair of panties than I was when I woke up this morning.

  I just noticed the hole while... well... doing the thing you do before you go to bed. No, not masturbating- you dirty pirate whore. I was relieving myself and started laughing at the fact that I have a hole in my underpants. Just a little one right in the front, but it has to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever experienced.

    Let me just say that I don’t like underwear shopping. I guess to someone not as cheap as myself- I bet it’s a blast. But I doubt it. Underwear is just one of those things you don’t really think about until you find a hole in on of yours. I bet boys don’t even think about it after they find a hole in theirs. Granted, there’s a hole in theirs already, for functional purposes- as I understand. So maybe b/c theirs is already holey, they may not consider a new hole that important.

    But I digress (I love that word). I don’t like underwear shopping b/c now I have to put some thought into it. When you’re little, your mom buys you those little plastic packs of underwear for Christmas. You know- the ones with the days of the week or freakin “princess” written on them.  Well, I don’t know about you, but that’s what my mom gave me. It was so simple. But then when you start undressing in front of other girls for P.E. in middle school, you start putting more thought into your underwear. Granted, I was as flat as a board in middle school- so panties were very important. Had to up the look of my training bra.

    They were these days of the week bikini cut Old Navy underwear. I got them in the 7^th grade. They looked so cute. They were Christmas-y too. Uh, come to think about it- I wore those suckers until they started getting holes in them around the time of 9th – 10th grade.

    But anyhoo, these current holey ones I have- I got around my Freshman year of college. I forgot to pack underwear with me when I drove home, so had to go to Walmart to buy new ones... with my dad for some reason. I couldn’t buy the cute ones, b/c my dad was there and I seriously didn’t have any reason to buy the cute ones b/c I didn’t have an audience at the time. So I bought the very non-sexual cotton 8-pack.

    So I’ve been having these suckers for a while now, and I pretty much only wear them when I know- for sure- that I will not be having sex. They’re not impressive. As a matter of fact, my boyfriend caught me while I was changing in a white pair like these and started laughing b/c it took about 5 years off of my age and he just pictured me as an early high-schooler in my white, too-high-to-be-sexy cotton underwear. Yea, thanks babe.

    It amazes me how boys think about underwear. B/c I bought some “cute” underwear for my significant other about a year ago, and he really liked them- but I only think he really liked them b/c I pointed out to him how much I really liked them.

    He surprised me one time though, I have to admit. He caught me in a pair of cotton, bikini-cut Old Navy (no, not the 7th grade ones) pair that I bought on sale after the Christmas rush. A pack of 4 for $5, I’m game. Anyhoo, they have stripes on them, like a pale pink, beige, and purple color scheme- and he actually told me I look cute in them and that he likes them. I was changing in front of him at the time. I was kinda taken aback by this. What is so special about these cotton, pastel-y, striped panties that made him notice that I look cute in them? I never compliment him on underwear- his selection is much more boring than mine though. And I never legitimately thought he noticed my underwear since I usually have to bring them to his attention, like if they’re cute, pretty much seconds before they’re on the floor. But he sincerely liked these. I’ll probably wear those down to holes too.

    Underwear is a necessity. Granted, get me in a long skirt and then demand I wear underwear- that’s a different story. But, they have to be there in most cases. I hope I never get to the point where I throw underwear away b/c I don’t like them anymore or am tired of them. Who the fuck does that, anyway? I plan to wear every single pair (side note- why are they called pairs? Now I’m starting to wonder if I’m the only one who calls them pairs of underwear. I’m probably mis-using the phrase.) until: 1. They get holey or 2. My ass gets too big for them.

    So, to my holey pink cotton too-high-to-be-sexy underwear- I say thank you for serving me so well all these years. We’ve been through some tough times together (maybe, not really. You say that sort of thing to add drama), but you’ve always held your end of the bargain. For that- I thank you.